Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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