I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
