Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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