I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
