I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
