Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
