i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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