Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
