she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
