Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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