Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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