3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I could make wine with my vomit
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
