I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
