how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
