If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
