look no pants
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
