Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
