so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
