how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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