You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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