My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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