I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
