A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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