I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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