U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
