I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
