my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
