i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
