even my farts smell like vagina
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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