I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
