I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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