The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
