i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
