meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i've created a new STD.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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