how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
