so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
