I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
