he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
