Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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