he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize