Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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