the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize