Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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