Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
