I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
