I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
two words: eviction party
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
