I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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