I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
