So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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