well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
