mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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