i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
