Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
