I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
