Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
