Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
