i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
