Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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